My Story!!! I’m in my early twenties and with a 42-year-old guy
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I’m in my early twenties and with a 42-year-old guy. It’s been together for a year and a few months now. When we started our relationship we were both seeing other people. He asked me out for over six months. Decided to give him a chance when things with the guy I was seeing were sour. Well, we went on and on. I could tell he loved me from the day he declared his love for me but I was not entertaining it coz he had a girlfriend. Well, I tried fixing things with my first boyfriend but he was not willing to. Apparently, he had a wife whom he was staying with and I had found out. So I
decided to end things with him and continued with this one I’m with now. I was not serious with him since I knew he had a girlfriend. But because he also had issues with his girlfriend that their relationship was doomed he decided to end things with her. I had visited him by then. After they finally broke things off with the lady we sat down and talked about our relationship. He told me how committed he wished us to be to each other. Well, I always wanted a stable relationship, so I didn’t see any problem. Things started to be serious. He asked me to move in with him but I told him I couldn’t do that without him coming to my family and do things right. So he told me it was fine he’d send his uncles to my family. I didn’t trust him. I still had doubts about him. I mean he
was with his ex-girlfriend for over 5years and they were still together but didn’t do things right by her family. So I thought to myself “Who am I to think he’d do right by mine, I mean we just meant?”. He promised he would fulfil his promise because he loves me and he meant everything he said. Told myself that I will see when things happen. Well after a few months he gave me a letter to give to my mom. A month later his uncles came to my family and paid my bride price. He had bought us a house cause he was renting a flat and I told him I was not comfortable with living with him the same house he lived with his ex-girlfriend. So we moved on to our new house. Two months later we had discovered I was a month pregnant. He was so happy. Well, he does have a kid from his previous marriage (the one he had before he was with the ex-girlfriend). The child is 17 years old. Listen, I’m only in my early twenties. Here comes the problem.
This is a teenager we are talking about. A full-grown ass man. He’s been staying with his father ever since the divorce between his parents. Apparently, the son and the girlfriend didn’t get along(of which I don’t know why, but it’s said the ex-girlfriend hated
the son) so he’s been attending a boarding school. So when they broke up (my husband and his ex-girlfriend) the son decided he wanted to come back home and be a day scholar. I was never asked about how I felt about this, and it happened when I was still a girlfriend. Well, who was I to go against it?. Fortunately, though because of his behaviour he got suspended and his father decided to send him to his mother. Wasn’t told about this as well, was only told a day before the mother came to fetch him. A few months later again, I was told he was coming back at the end of the year to stay with us, AGAIN. NB: Wasn’t asked about how I feel about this. For months this has been eating me up. About a month ago I talked to my husband how I was not happy with the way he does things regarding his son. Well, I fully understand and respect the fact that I am not his mother. But as his wife, as his lifetime partner, he should discuss with me and hear how I feel about it. I compromised a lot to be with this guy. First, I never wanted to settle down with a divorced guy, the guy with a kid/s. But we don’t always get what we want in life and because I love him I decided to go for it. We communicate with everything with my husband and always voice out our fears and feelings and always compromise but when it comes to his son it’s like I will never have a say, I
always have to understand. So when I confronted him about how I felt with all of this, here’s what he said. He told me that the mother didn’t have her son’s best interests in her heart like she doesn’t care about what happens with his life and school. That he’s always been the one who’s supportive. Well, I’m glad he loves and cares for his son, I’m well assured he will do the same on our own. But we are talking about a 17-year-old here. He doesn’t know how to clean his room, do his laundry, let alone wash the dishes. We don’t have a full-time helper in the house, the lady that helps us only comes twice a week. We need to keep the house as clean as possible. She cleans, does the washing and iron(sometimes when I am not feeling well since I am pregnant). I do the cooking every day, never even one day have I asked the son to cook. During the year he’d come visit over the holidays. So I set him some chores. Told him he’ll do the dishes, take out the cabbage
when the dustbin is full, and just make sure his room is always clean for hygiene reasons. He only does one thing, do the dishes (but you don’t know how he does them, they are never clean, always leaves the sink untidy and the floor wet). I always take out the dustbin if his dad doesn’t or our helper. His room, well I don’t even check anymore but trust me, it’s always untidy. Our helper would come in the morning and leave the house spotless. But in the afternoon you’d find the microwave and fridge with fingerprints all over. When he makes food (one thing he’s good at, he even used to take food that is not his ) he never tidy the table.
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You’d find everything messed up, and have to clean after him(you know how elders say we shouldn’t always report to the fathers when their kids get out of the way). When I was still a girlfriend I’d tell him when he misbehaves. But ever since I became a wife it’s no longer easy. I feel like he’ll say I hate his son and whatnot (I’m even starting to realize why they didn’t get along with the ex-girlfriend, I mean who would?). Although I feel like his father never asked her about how she felt like he’s doing with me now and he’d just conclude that she hated his son. Guys, this child is so spoilt. Whenever I try to talk to him he’d make an excuse about something or just tall while I’m still talking and say he’ll do it without knowing what I wanted to talk to him about. And he’d just walk out on me. Another reason his father said about him insisting he comes back was that of his music career, that where his
mother lives aren’t many resources on this side. I also understand that but my question is why does he have to do that while he’s still at school, I mean he could just finish his high school and pursue his music career after Matric. But his father still insists. Another thing is that during the divorce, he was told to give R6000 to the mother if the son stays with her. And that’s too much money coz when he stays with him he only spends even less than a half on him. So he claimed it’s too much of compensation for the mother, we could do a lot with it and fulfill our needs
- On the other hand it’s his parents, they insists he renew their house (hence he has siblings and they are too much focused on their own needs with their wives and kids, and me, on the other hand, I have to be keen with that, why?, is it because I am still young and still a ‘new bride’?. Though I don’t have a problem with him renovating his parent’s house as much as I am also planning to do so to mine. But I believe we need to focus on our own, buy furniture to fill the house. Because of the next thing if I let him take care of his parent’s home and neglects our own it will be the family to first gossip and say I’m spending their son’s kid’s on unnecessary things forgetting the money he’s supposed to be spending on our house is the house he sends to them. Fortunately, I could talk him through about this and we agreed we first focus on our own.
- But now the parents are no longer happy because he told them he was resuming with the house renovations. They don’t just understand it. NB: I’m due in a month, we’ll be having a newborn. Our medical aid didn’t cover my pregnancy so we had to save up for delivery. Again he was supposed to come finish up with my lobola this month but I told him we could stop since I am pregnant and our culture is against that. So we postponed to next year with our traditional wedding. He also just recently bought me a car. And it seems like they are against it as well. Well, I don’t care, I believe that not everyone will like me so I’m cool with that. The only problem that seems to be heavier for me is the issue of his son. I can only imagine the pressure I’d be in next year, with a newborn and a spoilt teenager. I can feel the pressure as of now.
I’m still pregnant and he’s back since schools are closed. It’s back to square one. Me having to clean after him every day. What pissed me off to an extent where I have to decide to write to this site is because of what he did in the morning. And when I told me how to do it he responded very harshly that if I was a rude and an evil person I would have slapped his face. But I just quietly walked out and went upstairs. And I don’t want to tell his father about this. I’ve had enough of him now and planning to confront his dad after work. Would I be wrong if I give him two options “It’s either he goes back to boarding school or goes back to his mom”?.
It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts.
Please help out guys, I really don’t know what to do. Haven’t told my family or his about this. I’m very confused. I just want to be heard because trust me, this arrangement is not gonna work at all and I don’t want to lose my marriage because of it. Please, please help me!!! 😭😭😭
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